MY LIFE ON THE BOWERY: NEGATIVE ADDICTION
(A
reflection of my stumbling, near-apostasy through lack of
obedience [God forbid!]
and struggle for repentance of bad
habits)
I used to live in a room like a wired “cage” (as I thought of it) on the Bowery . (This is a realistic, great video, not the Hollywood version type—very sentimental to me! Beware of foul language at approximately time-line 9:36-9:40, 11:25-27, 17:01, 44:13-20). It was at a place called the Delavan. I remember it as a death-trap—a place that a person will never get out of unless he makes an attempt to do so.
I never knew how easy it was to get so messed up. My childhood was great until I was about at least twelve. Then I noticed sometime during my youth that my mother changed and became hateful to me. Kicked me out of the house one time when I was lying on the bed, studying. I think she was having an affair and taking her misery out on me. Most mothers would be very pleased to see their children study and try to do well in school. Not mine. Well, I moved to my grandmother's house. Wasn't a great academic lift but at least I wasn't harassed. However, there was something very insidious. It was right across to where men drank along the street—a little skid row. Wasn't long before... you can guess what happened.
I wandered for years, it seemed like a bad habit too. Not all missions will accept certain people. I stayed in the streets at times. The Bowery was an inviting place to stay for a substance abuser in that way, but I left there also. I continued to wander.
Although I had lived in Pennsylvania for most of my life. I remember various experiences in NY, the desperation and problems that came about in many other states throughout my addiction, especially in the sixties, and I eventually ended up in DE when my habit got me into more trouble. Instead of going to jail or prison, they put me on the road gang to pay off my fine. So, I parked the equipment as was expected in the evening and left... got out of state, but when I was supposed to be there the next morning, they saw I was not there. So, I had a warrant out for me automatically, but they didn't have computers as efficient as they are today back then, and couldn't trace me very easily. I don't remember how much time passed, but eventually I was hitchhiking near Washington, DC. Miraculously, a Teen Challenge evangelist team in a van picked me up. I went with them for a while and stayed at one of their facilities in Maryland. I decided to leave there too. I never told anyone I was thinking about leaving. After speaking briefly at a church we visited, when I came out of the building, suddenly I walked to the highway and started hitch-hiking, left the group in like a snap of the finger. I caught a ride. One thing about it, I never wanted to smoke a cigarette or abuse alcohol or drugs again. The desire was gone. I have never misused alcohol or drugs in the former manner since... over 42 years. So, after about 5 years clean, I drove to the attorney's office in DE and talked with an official. I told him my addiction past and recovery and tried to negotiate just to pay the fine with money. He agreed. Very good that I didn't have to do more time there... not a good place. I know how addiction takes people to places they don't want to be, but law and order is necessary. It helped me get clean. To just allow an addict to live like they want without penalty enables them. It affects their relatives and others, and doesn't help them recover, which is possible for anyone who makes a decision to get sober.
I have went through several afflictions since then, but the Lord has always blessed me with peace and joy, and made me a better individual through my struggles.
Just a little note to let you know according to my former shame and inferior (negatively addicted) living, a method of survival with chemical dependence other than following the commandments of Jesus, that I am familiar with people trying to survive from day to day in a hard world. I really don't believe in the expression bottoming out. It took a miracle for me. Part of that miracle was the fear of the Lord. It is a fearful thing to die living in sin. When a person respects God, He returns that respect with reward, and power to overcome sin. The sailing of the rivers, ocean and sea, traveling countries including the vast, empty space through the desert unto walking the city blocks of apathetic concrete crowded with uncaring and ignorant peoples (perhaps some for good reason) never brought total satisfaction in itself, only a true search for God within the self (which addiction seems to steal) and submission to him can bring lasting relief. I have suffered so much grief and affliction (much of it self-affliction), more than I know how to say. Thank God for his deliverance, amen.__Br. Ken
Personal Reflection:
“O God, the nations are come into your inheritance; your holy temple have they defiled; they have laid Jerusalem on heaps.” Psalm 79:1
In King David's time, the nations did not honor God and his laws. The Hebrews did at times but they eventually became extinct. However, during the new covenant, many people of all the nations turned to God. Nevertheless, the wicked continue to mock God and still destroy his people.
They invade the things of God and his people (today, that is Christians and their inheritance). The home is a sanctuary for children. It is a place where they eat, learn, and sleep. However, the home-breaking wicked destroy and leave the refuge for innocent youth as ruin and waste as King David mentioned in the psalm. Wars destroy lives, homes and people. So can a plotting, envious, rebellious and hateful relative. Things that could have prospered God's people have been wasted, ruined and were assigned for the lust, material gain and satisfaction of the unGodly.
Prayer: Father in heaven, bless me even though I have been destroyed as the people in the time as David spoke about.
Previous to my own alcohol and drug addiction, which I have overcome for several decades now, I was inflicted with pain and suffering of wicked ancestors from recent generations. I was brought up in a society that had been politically derailed by the FRB and was religiously going apostate, especially through remarriage/adultery tolerance.
Jack, a brother of my male parent, was a known drunk, fornicator and wild man. He was also a fraud, lacking faithful, parental guidance. He stole the financial savings of my male parent through receiving a new semi tractor by means of an unwarranted co-sign deal, which his parents put off on my male parent. He disappeared with the truck for a long while being hounded to make payments and brought it back as almost junk, leaking oil, soiled and damaged. During that time he paid his own bills and later bought luxuries such as a camper and new sports car among other things but failed to make the payments on the tractor and mocked his brother for his trust. This bankrupted my male parent, barely making payments and eventually losing his house, and his family suffered for it. Three out of the four children never even graduated from their original school, and two never completed any high school.
Financial Desertion and Infidelity
“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” (I Ti. 5:8, KJV)
This was an act of financial desertion on my male parent's fault. He foolishly rewarded a man with manifested sins who needed drug addiction (alcohol) rehabilitation, which red-flagged any type of trust from a wise person, and maybe even a fool. The man actually needed to learn how to be sober and pay his own bills, not to cry out violently to his mother and father for a co-signer. Nevertheless, we children had to bear the reproach and loss. He would even mockingly laugh in front of me as a youth, knowing part of the destruction he caused to me and my close relatives. His wife collaborated with him through receiving money from him but not paying over some of the money for the bill my male parent had to pay for him and her. She eventually ended up with a home in another state, went to church but never made mention of any repayment. She and Jack divorced after years of alcohol abuse, family-reported violence and the financial shuffle. I wrote to some churches in her area and still never heard any mention of restoration payment.
Summing up, the male parent should have provided for his children, never denying the faith and putting their future at risk of a drunken whoremonger. The lost provision could have given us food, clothing and high school education. Instead of excelling at math, physics and the bible during my school years, I worked at a factory to buy the things I needed, and didn't even have a decent place to stay. My grades fell. I lost hope as a student. I never completed high school, let alone college and graduate study. According to my male parent my deserting female parent was chaste in the beginning, at least on her part; however, she learned to leave and work outside of her home and forget her children and main responsibilities, and consequentially did not support my male parent emotionally or spiritually. She became wicked, hateful, and did not demonstrate guard of chastity afterward. A marriage is a fragile institution of God, requiring psychological unity among both participants, husband and wife. Any emotional break-up requires attention before it gets out of hand and something worse occurs. Thus, determining whose aid to the fraud Jack, who never showed remorse and never repaid his debt, was the greatest would have to be my male parent because of his lack of faith to be a provider, but the disloyalty of his wife by not continuing and supporting home life and encouraging her husband in morality of family provision would have to rank between second and fourth among my male and female grandparent. It was a Pard-Jenny, Bill-Reba catastrophic, lawless, descendant betrayal, two generations of sinful people afflicting me and my siblings, the third generation.
Repayment and Wrath
“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” (Romans 12:19, KJV)
Even though the wicked may think they get away with their sins, there is an Accountant, who all must bow the knee and confess. His blessing and curse will last for eternity. I trust in his blessings and vengeance, whatever they deserve, upon those who laid me, my brothers and sister waste. Amen.
The parents of my male parent were partners in crime while giving child-forsaking, faith-denying, substance-abuse enabling, bad and undue influence to my male parent and the fraud. Therefore, my lineage traces to three generations of curse in this instance.
It would be better for me to expose and denounce sin, specifically these of fraud and desertion, rather than change my name to Jacobson, for instance, in reverence of God's people because I can show my approval of God's goodness through my obedience, reading and writing, and I can explain my suffering of the disaster of ancestral desertion. Praise his holy name.
O Lord God, have mercy upon me and help me not continue the curse of desertion and faithlessness. Abram left Terah. Let me break it and be a curse-breaker, not an enabler. Help me live a blameless life. Even the “Son of Sam” confessed that he repented of his sins of murder, which caused grief to many. He mentioned he contacted one of his victims, apologized and established a relationship. However, none of my late ancestors nor the fraud Jack and his wife openly admitted their horrible deeds, apologized and made restoration. Let me never honor the graves of the wicked who do not admit and turn from their iniquity. Let me never put flowers upon them. In Jesus' name, Amen.
God Can Rejuvenate His People
“And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord GOD, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.” (Judges 16:28)
Samson was a great man of God who was known for his strength but had moral weakness. Christians that come to God have a strength that the world denies even as the Philistines trusted their false god Dagon. A child that is deprived of his parental care through the influence of Satan and his influenced subjects is like Samson who was deprived of his sight. They lose great blessing in life. Nevertheless, God can help his people at all times and overcome the wicked and their works. If a child of God is led astray whether through lure of immorality as with Samson or drug addiction of those suffering the loss of parental care and attempting to ease their pain of life, God can restore their strength to an extent through repentance of the works of the flesh and prayer. When the wicked see God's blessing of recovery to his people, the Christian's enemies realize some of their failure. As the recovering drug addict believes in God through faith and is spiritually restored, he puts the desires of the flesh to death (Galatians 5: 19-21) and does not feed the corrupt desire, he is like Samson pulling down the pillars of demise at the cost of destroying himself, proving God's strength and blessing. Again, be blameless through achieving sobriety and living a life through God's direction.
Further reflection: Press here.
Fear of the Lord: Key to Christian success!
Gift Of Governments (I Cor. 12:28)
Multilateral Tribal-Community Promotion
We Must Avoid The Sins Of Hypocrites And Treacherous People (Psalm 119:58)